gifts

My heart ached a little tonight. In the midst of a group of new friends, nice folks, fun folks, I felt a stab and took a pause. Oh no one said anything intentionally hurtful. No one noticed a misstep or recognized the forced smile on my face, or the way I dropped out of the conversation for a bit. Not even Steve.

Discussing children and couples were sharing their unplanned pregnancies from a few years ago, and how upset, sad, even angry and frightened they were to learn they were expecting before they resigned to it and got happy. And I just missed my babies. I thought of all the years spent in secondary infertility and praying for more children, only to conceive and miscarry. Life is such a burden in our culture -if you weren't planning it, it's received with all sorts of negative emotions. We so take for granted the gift of life.

They don't know me, they don't know my longing for children, or my loss. Most people don't. I don't need anyone to be sensitive to my feelings, or alter anything to protect me, I'm not that fragile.

I just wanted to shake my head again and ask God why He gave so many children to women who don't even see the precious gifts they've been offered.

Oh I know whys and what ifs are futile, even destructive don't worry, I don't indulge in them but I won't pretend like it doesn't cross my mind, because it does. I'm a good mother, why are bad mothers so able to conceive? ugh. Just a maddening reality.

But for a miracle, a surprise, a shocking, miracle of biblical proportions my days of pregnancy are over and that will never stop making me sad. never.

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