I want to die

I'm about to do what I have never done. I am writing to you from the deepest, darkest, worst part of my battle with Multiple Sclerosis. I'm in the throes of the beginning of a terrible relapse. The pain is unyielding. It's the pinnacle, the worst part, the highest pitch in the battle cry. I never share what this feels like. never.

The pain is so intense it is blinding. I want to keep my eyes closed and fall into the pain until it consumes me. I don't want to hear anything but the sound of my fan. I want to no comfort, no consolation. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. So all consuming it is as if I am laying upon a torture rack having every part of my body besieged with assault.

I feel nauseous. There is no food, no drink to ease this. Only the strongest of medicine would do and those make me so sick I cannot stomach them. They make my blood pressure and my heart react dangerously. There is no refuge but injection at the hospital.

I long for them right now. I do. But they would only come at the end of hours of waiting, tests, and probes, lights, noises, questions and questions. I want to rip out my own hair just thinking of their stupid questions.

In this awful, awful moment, I feel the enemy stalking me. "I want to die." He whispers. And I consider it. I do. I'm not ashamed to tell you. Death cannot be more painful. Only love calls me to live. Love overflowing, love that is real. But I cling to the knowledge of it, not the feeling right now. I can't feel anything but pain.

I cry it doesn't help. I muffle my frustrated aches and moans when the pressure and severity peaks and wanes.

It will pass. My head knows it but I don't care. This feels endless. It feels hopeless. Despair washes over me and I wish it would just make me sleep.

This day has been coming. Creeping on me day after day for weeks. From upright to the chair, to this.

There is no prayer as I try only to seek the stillest possible position in my brain and body.

This writing has taken too long and too much of me already. It has stolen that stillness and caused me to submit to self pity. My most wretched enemy.

I will just lay here and try to disappear.


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