The pain peaked in the time that I posted yesterday. It was a glimpse into the very worst part of what my life is like. After many hours it began to subside some.
It was heightened because I had spent a long day (much longer than I am really able to do) out, about, active, on my feet and then in the chair.
I am blessed with a strong tolerance for pain, natural childbirth was a great confirmation for me.
So, in those times, I shut down lights, noise, and my busy brain. I make myself as comfortable as possible in bed, loose clothing, soft pillows and I begin to meditate (or pray if you prefer). For me, my happy place is Psalm 23. It is always, only Psalm 23.
He takes me to green grass, the shade of tall trees, gentle breezes and sunshine peeking through, I sit there beside the water and I am restored. I am.
It isn't about the restoring of my pain in those moments but rather of my troubled soul, which unlike this broken body will not pass away. In our time together, in that suffering I feel Christ so completely. I do want to die. I want to slip away to be with Him and end suffering, worry and all the trials of this life. But my attachment to this world, to my children, to my husband is so strong, and despite pain, I cling to every moment I have with them. I will not surrender. My words fail in expressing what I experience. I apologize.
It feels like an education. Like lessons in life, in suffering, in death. I learn more in suffering than I do in health.
In this meditation I lost all track of time. What felt like 10 or 15 minutes it turned out was more than 3 hours. This is without pain medication allow me to remind you. The pain was tolerable after. I switched on a dim light across the room, Steve brought me some juice. Another hour passed and I could eat some crackers and chicken salad. Another hour and I was ready to try to sleep.
This morning, His mercies abound. The pain is at a dull ache, maybe just a 4 on the 1-10 scale. I am weak, shaky, but this feels like a million bucks by comparison. I'm so happy to have it. My children busy themselves straightening, and doing dishes as I can hear by the clanging of the plates. So I know the responsibilities which would nag at me, are being met. My husband works in the yard, my oldest is coming home for the weekend. I have work, orders, clients waiting, but nothing too pressing that I cannot pass the day enjoying the weather from my hammock, or writing beside the window in my room.
Corners are the secret to happiness. Wherever you are, no matter how dark it might seem, soon you will turn a corner. You can never know what is around that corner. You can't see ahead, you can't see around them. You have to walk to them. Knowing that they come and that whatever your state, it is only temporary, is the secret to happiness in this life.
When things are good, you should likewise know, that corners are coming, and they will bring difficulties, but those too are temporary. In everything there is joy. Count it all joy.