I miss my family. I'll be heading to Indiana in a week or so. Messy, completely dysfunctional, so strange at times it's funny, kind, loving and mine. Good, bad and ugly their mine. I haven't lived in my home state for more than a few years since I was 17 years old.
I wish I could have made the life I wanted there. I couldn't. There was too much history, too many wounds, too little support for the person I want to be. But man I miss it. These feelings are compartmentalized, they have to be. I would love to be there caring for my mom and my grandma. Being the daughter, the sister, the aunt, the cousin I should be but I can't. If I'm that person, I don't know how to be this person.
I ran as fast as I could. If I hadn't I believe they would have been singing bible songs over me long ago. I ran and I kept running. Maybe I still am. Too many funerals. Too many people I love dying too young. Pouring their entire lives into bottles of rum and cans of beer. Children growing up and repeating this legacy of addiction and codependency.
So many mistakes there. The girl I was there was a hot mess. Everywhere I go is a bad memory. I want to get to a place where those memories fade into the background and the good memories come to the front. I try. I get there sometimes.
Like now. I'm thinking of sitting with my grandma and listening to her stories. Taking her out to lunch with mom and aunt Connie. Doing little afternoon trips and enjoying being together, all of us calling each other Margaret, confusing the waiters. Going to auctions and dinner, going to garage sales and breakfast. Food and used goods, that's a night out :)
My love is there with them. They are always in my prayers. They will never know what I would give if the life I want could be made there. I want to scoop them up and bring them with me. I want them to have new lives. We are different though, they like their lives there. I like my life here.
On days like today I just want to be with my mom. I have to wait till next week. But I am so looking forward to setting my course East and going back home. I miss my dad, I miss my brother. Soon, is not soon enough.