I don't think I am missing the chaos anymore. There have been many times over the last 3 years when attempts to gather myself into my nest were followed almost immediately by a panicked feeling of isolation. And so there was a rebounding back and forth, engaging and retreating. Somehow I was always attracted to the chaos of a busy life. no more.
I am realizing that living a frenzied life serves many, many purposes - avoidance for one, distraction for another, escape, excuses. Exactly what are we all running from? (of course I'm sure it was just me and no one relates to this) Why is it necessary to fill our lives with constant noise? constant stimulation? constant activity?
Is it any wonder really that 10% (source: Scientific American) of Americans are on anti-depressants? and how many more are on mood altering prescriptions? I know entire families on anti-depressants and they are still annoying, miserable people.
How much time do you have to sit quietly or read a good book? To walk casually? How much time is there for watching birds, bees, looking at flowers? Is there time for a nap? Time to talk with the children about nothing?
I used to "make time" for these things. I would find time in my very important schedule to build in these times. But then, I had a very difficult time relaxing my mind, my spirit. It seemed that I couldn't escape the knowledge that the quiet times were nothing more than a pit stop to give me just enough of a boost to get back up to full speed hop on the track again.
Sitting in the yard in the gentle beauty of spring, hearing nothing at all but a buzzing bee and allowing time to completely escape me, is a miracle. Matthew Kelly speaks about the gift of "carefree timelessness" with those you love. He says that relationships cannot flourish without it. I believe it. I also believe our relationship with God and with ourselves needs this carefree timelessness. As I mentioned before there are enough hours in the day. God created the day with the correct amount of time. Perhaps not for our agendas but His.
In the last few weeks a world of possibilities has opened up to me. What I want has changed. I want my husband home, I want him with me more. I want my husband to quit his job in the next two years. I want our household expenses cut in half. Yes, you heard me right - half.
I want him to teach Creative Writing, Composition, etc at the collegiate level, I want him to follow his dreams, finally. I want him to finish his Master's in Writing (he's almost there!) I want him home with our family and NOT traveling for weeks at a time, at a job that brings him so much stress. I want less of everything - less house, less work, less stuff. I want to travel, a lot. I don't know what my body will be able to do in 10 or 15 years. But I know what I can do now. I want my business to continue to grow at the amazing pace it has for the last three months, and I am going to walk in all the truths I know.
God wants my family to be successful.
God wants my family to have all we need.
God wants me to use my gifts to His glory.
God wants my husband and children to use their gifts to His glory.
God wants me to shelter my children from all enemies, foreign and domestic ;)
God wants our dreams, the mission and purpose He has called us to, to be THE priority -not an interesting footnote in the story of our lives.
God wants us to work like it's all on us but pray like it's all on Him.
God wants us to be happy living the good life.
This year we will take, what will be the first family vacation that includes an adult child. We discussed this week our family goal of coming together EVERY year for a family vacation. In the future it will include spouses and grandchildren, grandparents, and so on but we will forever keep this family as closely knit as we are now.
When I realized in prayer yesterday that we needed to stop being afraid and focus instead on my husband changing careers. It was as if the world was lifted off my shoulders! He will likely take a 30% pay cut, but God has it all in hand. a) He wants us to live on waaaaay less than we make anyway. b) I believe in fact following His plan for us will bless us financially, more abundantly than ever.
So you heard it here first. In a few years I will look back upon this epiphany and know that this was God's call to us. I can't wait to see what He will be doing in our life then.
I love my house. I will enjoy it for awhile longer, but I can't wait to move on. I look forward to moving to new areas. I think I'm ready.
Resting in Grace,