My friends are making similar decisions about their time and families. They are changing their choices, picking and choosing activities. While I am grateful for this, as it truly bolsters my confidence in my decisions, I find myself fighting off a little panic over it too. In some ways I am afraid. I'm afraid I will miss something. I'm afraid my kids will miss something.
I realize this is bigger than I first realized. Initially as I imagined making changes I knew it would be a different experience for me. Now as the time approaches and I have to actually face the consequences of those choices... well I am wavering a bit.
I see now, I am much more dependent upon this role in my life and this support system than I have previously recognized. I've made close friends, the kids enjoy their peers and my participation feeds me in many ways. I often lead activities and feel very good about that work. I really have needed it for sometime to bridge the gap when we moved. But I know I am running around too much. Our school time is often spent preparing, traveling and participating in the activities. My home life suffers, our school time suffers. I have no time for laundry, running my house the way I want, or tending to myself and my relationships.
Part of me is having a hard time accepting a truth. Truth, I live 30 minutes from this particular group and the friends we have in it. This small group has been a life line for me through this relocation and recovery (post -Katrina) and the thought of branching out, and away from them frightens me a bit. I know intellectually that I will still see my dear friends, and that we will still join in certain activities but another truth is that instead of seeing them several days per week we may see them a couple times per month...yikes! I have made their support central to my life, maybe too much?
Life is really changing. I prayed for it, hoped for it, and expected it, and now I am sad about it.
Isn't that typical!!
Lord, please help me to move through these changes with a calm, quiet heart. I hear you calling me in different directions Lord, to places I know I need to go. I have confidence that the life I can only glimpse now, is what I am meant for, but this comfortable place, even though it is difficult and painful sometimes, is familiar. Help me overcome that comfort zone and give me courage Lord to try new things, and follow You in every area of my life. Amen.