As I did my make up yesterday the song "Into the Mystic" came on my iPod. Since Christmas this song has caused a profound reaction in me.
As we traveled home after visiting family on Christmas Eve this song came up in the shuffle on my iPod in the van. The sky was bright and clear, and the air crisp, a spectacular winter day. There was no traffic, so I was driving along perfectly relaxed, taking it all in.
As the song played, I looked over at Steven who was napping in the passenger seat, and back at William who was napping in his booster seat then back at Corey and Taylor as they listened to their own iPods looking out the windows.
There was a moment, I'm sorry my words cannot adequately describe. It was a snapshot of our family. I felt a little out of my body as if I were looking down on us from the future. This is a memory forever etched in my soul and always triggered by a few notes from a song.
I had the sense that it was one of the last Christmas moments I will have with my whole little family. All of us traveling together for the holidays, the last year they are all still kids. I wanted that song to play forever, I wanted that moment to go on and on. As the final notes played I felt it slipping away and knew that all I would have left would be the memory and the feelings it wrung from my heart.
The kids were typically oblivious to their mother having another "mommy moment". But maybe someday they will know what it is like to look over a van filled with the most important souls in their life and be so filled with love and joy they can barely breath, and in the very same instance be moved in sadness and loss to their core knowing that it cannot last exactly that way forever.
Motherhood, 17 years in, it still surprises me.