I lay in bed last night, my mind assaulted by all I have on my plate. All good things but so many. How do I gain some control over this schedule to fit in all I want to accomplish? I keep catching myself looking for some book, or article with some little technique or tip that that will help me to prioritize and work through each task so I can add some more, but there aren't any.
There are 'get your house organized' books, but I don't need those. The house is organized and if it weren't I would be the best gal for the job since I live and breath organization. The organization is in place I just need time to perfect it. I don't need a designer to finish this house or give me a plan or vision, I have both of these. I don't need a painter, I love to paint and I am pretty good at it too. I don't need a landscape architect, I know what I want in my yard. The crew now....that I could use!
I have a volleyball team I coach, and a league I want to create as well as a youth group I lead, and both of these are near and dear to me. I love the kids, I have fun. I have freecycle groups I moderate as a little contribution to a greener planet. I have a ministry at the farm I helped to create and I am passionate about. I could work all day, everyday to see it reach it's potential. Of course, I have kids I love, and I love homeschooling them. I could write for hours about the ideas, and plans I have for them to do interesting things, research, and activities that are never fully realized. I have a hubby I love to date and spend time with. I have two dogs I want to walk, and Lord knows we could use that little exercise! I have great friends, like my family I never get to see enough.
Then there are those things just for me. Scrapbooking I haven't picked up in months, singing in church that I feel I can't quite commit to because I will not be able to follow through. Singing in a band again, learning an instrument, taking karate, learning to swim, reading, bike riding, exercise, laying in the hammock and just napping.
I get to do these things only in the smallest doses. I keep turning my life, my chices, my weekly schedule, my daily activity over and over in my head like a Rubik's cube, trying to figure out what I am doing wrong that I can't quite get it all in the way I want. I think it's okay to do this. I want more.
It makes me feel like a wretched failure sometimes to know I can't get it all done and I can't get it all done perfectly but I get over it short order, possibly because I don't have time to sit around and ponder failure, there is good stuff to do.
And, it isn't that I don't want to do these things, it isn't that I wish I had less to do. Not at all. I am not bemoaning my schedule and wishing I hadn't made this choice or that offer.
The schedule may seem overwhleming, but I don't feel that way, and if I do it passes quickly and it's not most of the time. The frustration for me is always that I want to do more. I want more time!
We get this life, and that is it. I want to do everything. I want to give everything I have. When I leave this earth I hope I am exhausted! I hope I have nothing left to offer. No gifts I didn't share, no person or cause I didn't try to assist. No one I loved wondering how deeply I loved them.
I know that God has blessed me, saved me, given me so much. I have many, many gifts. I don't say that to brag. You have them too. Yes, you do. I don't want to waste any of them. A good example is this...I am not the best volleyball player, not by a long shot! There are volumes of stuff I don't know about volleyball. But I know some, and I am trying to share what I have with some great kids. The things I do aren't perfect, some of my efforts miss their mark, like a big fundraiser I organized last weekend that could have been twice as successful. But I try.
That's all you can do. Try. It's all God asks of us, try.
It's all I can today or any day...try.