I miscarried a few weeks ago.
After many years of understanding and prayer, we decided to be completely open to life as our church and faith teach. Initially it was not our intention to have a child so much as it was desire to truly walk the faith we believe and profess. It was also a matter of obedience. I believe this is what the Lord asks of me and to reject for my own reasons, even good ones, is no less disobedient.
If I ask my child to do something and they refuse even for a good reason, it does not make it okay. Many times I ask them to clean their rooms, with the knowledge that later dad and I planned to go out to dinner and movie with them or tell them to call friends for a sleepover or some other treat. They can refuse, and make excuses - even good ones. But their decision to do their own good thing will derail the plan I have for them which is better and which they cannot even see.
And so with that understanding we made the leap of faith to be open to life at all times without exception. I realized month after month of wondering whether was I pregnant that this was truly in God's hands. For many years I interjected myself into His ability to create life, to create life within me. Each of my children is such an amazing blessing and I cannot understand how I ever imagined not being open to more blessings.
I see that all I have, my life, my very breath are from God. What do I have to offer him? Praise, love, obedience? Yes. Cain made an offering to God that God accepted but he preferred Abel's offering of flesh and blood. Why? God likes gore? uh no. Abel returned the life unto God. Abel and even my husband to some degree do not have the ability that I have to offer my body to God as a vessel of life to carry into the world a person he would call into being.
My heart aches because now I finally get it. I finally fully understand the honor bestowed on me in creating life, and I lost it. I am lonely for life inside me. Does that make any sense? I love being pregnant, always have. I want so many more children, what will I do if it is not God's will that we have more? wow.
I thought so much of myself for making the decision to accept more life...am I loving and obedient enough to accept no more life?
I pray I am. I guess the real point is accepting God's plan WHATEVER it may be. Some in my shoes would use medical means to create life, they would give God a little help. I don't believe He needs, wants or appreciates it.
So my prayer after this loss it to grow ever more accepting of my Father's plan and have faith that He knows what I do not. I pray for my little tiny baby and I believe with my whole heart that I will see that tiny soul in Heaven.
You never kicked, or took a breath but God had a purpose for you just the same.